Thursday, August 12, 2004

when does it stop

I wrote last time about not rushing into things and I truly believe in everything I wrote. This is why what I am about to write, must only be a test of will for me. The girl that broke up with me over IM called today and texteed me like fifty times. She pretty much said that breaking up with me was a mistake and what if we got back together? I have so many conflicting feelings about this. On the one hand I am so pissed at her for continuing to fuck with me. I am so angry with myself for not tellnig her to piss off. I feel like I don't want to even after all the shit she put me through. I feel like I enjoy being punished, hurt, degraded. On the complete opposite hand I am totally elated that she wants me back and it took all the strength in me not to say let's start again right now. I feel like it takes so long to build up this inner strength that I've been feeling for a little while, and it's just a short time for me to fall into old habits. I don't want to constantly look at my phone to see if she called. I don't want to get her answering machine. I don't want to look forward to seeing her and think about it all the time only to be disappointed when she doesn't show up. I don't want to worry about her all the time. I don't want her to disappear on me for days. Already I am feeling the lump in throat come back. The lump in my throat that I'd had for over a month because the "relationship" was hurting me. And the way she ended it....god that hurt so bad. What am I doing? I told her that she needs to prove to me that she can be my friend, but I know she won't and I know I will be expecting her to only to get disappointed again. But I don't want to cut off the chance that maybe things will be different. But who am I kidding? things will never be different with her. and even though I am writing down all of the reasons why I shouldn't ever talk to her, I know I will. And if she says she will come here I will be happy. Maybe I'm not angry at her so much for disappointing me. Maybe I am angry at myself for failing at my own expecations for myself. Maybe I keep setting myself up for failure. Maybe I haven't learned anything.

7 Comments:

At 1:16 PM, Blogger FoundMyLight said...

Just do what is in your heart if you feel she is the one than be with her and she may have just been messing w/your head because she is confussed you shouldn't give up on someone because they don't know what they wanted at a certian time but now she does so what are you waiting for you said she is gourgeous and you always think of her so get of your high horse and do something about it while you still can don't take life for granted you never know when it could all be over do wait that is all i have to say tell here you love if you really do or just give it another chance because there is nothing more beautiful in life than to people you love each other be strong and swallow your pride and take her back if you truly care about here don't let people mistakes take over your life always forgive and don't hold grudges. LOL I don't know who you are but you sound like your crazy about this girl just offer a few words of advice peace and happiness be with you

 
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