when does it stop

I wrote last time about not rushing into things and I truly believe in everything I wrote. This is why what I am about to write, must only be a test of will for me. The girl that broke up with me over IM called today and texteed me like fifty times. She pretty much said that breaking up with me was a mistake and what if we got back together? I have so many conflicting feelings about this. On the one hand I am so pissed at her for continuing to fuck with me. I am so angry with myself for not tellnig her to piss off. I feel like I don't want to even after all the shit she put me through. I feel like I enjoy being punished, hurt, degraded. On the complete opposite hand I am totally elated that she wants me back and it took all the strength in me not to say let's start again right now. I feel like it takes so long to build up this inner strength that I've been feeling for a little while, and it's just a short time for me to fall into old habits. I don't want to constantly look at my phone to see if she called. I don't want to get her answering machine. I don't want to look forward to seeing her and think about it all the time only to be disappointed when she doesn't show up. I don't want to worry about her all the time. I don't want her to disappear on me for days. Already I am feeling the lump in throat come back. The lump in my throat that I'd had for over a month because the "relationship" was hurting me. And the way she ended it....god that hurt so bad. What am I doing? I told her that she needs to prove to me that she can be my friend, but I know she won't and I know I will be expecting her to only to get disappointed again. But I don't want to cut off the chance that maybe things will be different. But who am I kidding? things will never be different with her. and even though I am writing down all of the reasons why I shouldn't ever talk to her, I know I will. And if she says she will come here I will be happy. Maybe I'm not angry at her so much for disappointing me. Maybe I am angry at myself for failing at my own expecations for myself. Maybe I keep setting myself up for failure. Maybe I haven't learned anything.

Understanding

The more I think about how I act in front of other people, the more I understand something about myself. I am a scared person. I am afraid I won't have friends, girlfriends etc..... I am always afraid to be alone. But I won't be and I have not been. I somehow seek out people that end up maknig me feel terrible, but they are the ones that are wrong, because so many more people want to be around me than not. B is the new DJ at the phase. I should probably hate on her, because she is taking my job, but I completely don't. First of all she's gorgeous, and then she's Jewish and she was in an a capella group, she likes rap music, she graduated in women's studies and afro am studies. We seem to have a lot in common. Anyways, of course I start macking on her, but midway, I realize I need to stop, because it rarely works. Then she says something that resonates with me. I don't know why now, but she says if a relationship is meant to happen, it doesn't have to happen in one night. I think I focus way to much on the end product then on the process of forming relationships. The phase does not foster a relationship forming process. I am happy to be taking a break for a few weeks. I need the distance.

Self Control

Tonight I think I tried as hard as I could to exhibit self control. I was DJing, and usually I am all over anyone who looks good to me. That is what gets me hurt, because I am only judging people based on looks. I don't give a shit about their personality until it's too late. Tonight was different. I stayed in the booth the whole night. I made conversation with some people, but I kept it pretty neutral. There was one girl who I tried to start talking to more, but it was hard, because I was working. I gave her my number. The ball is completely in her court. She has to reach out to me if she wants to be friends, and if that happens, I will let her know the deal at a certain point. No bullshit! honesty! follow through! Be responsible! I also spoke to a friend of the girl that stood me up. She isn't too happy with this girl either. I was thinking that maybe this friend of hers and I should become friends. She seems responsible. No red flags. Anyways, I felt pretty calm tonight. I spoke with my writer friend too. She always makes me feel good, because she is so smart and passionate about writing about life. She brings her work into the club and lets me read it. It's pretty intense shit and it helps me work out whatever is in my head. She says she trusts me to be honest about her writing. I think that's cool too. Now I need to find people who I can trust.

Can you Believe?

This has to be one of the worst summers of my entire life. It seems that so many people in my life are actually assholes. Let's take girl #1: Rather than calling me and explaining that she would rather not pursue a relationship, she goes and Instant Messages me that she is about to have sex with her roommate. Now I am a dumbass! I actually trusted her when she said there was nothing going on between her and her roommate (ex-girlfriend)..... DUH!!!! She never was honest with me to begin with.....and when I went to her house she left for forty five minutes to "talk" to the girl she is now with. Who does that over IM?

Girl #2- Met her in a club and thought she was nice. I tried to be friends with her. I called her all the time. Maybe that was too annoying. But she didn't seem annoyed. Two nights ago she gets wasted and tells me to get the fuck out of her business. I wasn't trying to be in it. Then we were supposed to go to a concert together. She stands me up. I am knocking on her door, calling, ringing the doorbell for an hour, but no answer. I guess we're not going to the concert. She didn't even call me. I left a CD at her house so I went to pick it up tonight. She didn't even apologize. All she did was laugh.

For those of you reading this, you might think I am some sort of loser. I am not. This should serve as a warning to all of you to be careful who you think your friends might be. Learn from my mistakes. Make sure their actions match their words. Otherwise they are total garbage. Also, don't go meeting people at clubs, cause most of the time those people are a total waste of space.

I'll write again when I am less bitter.
E-Dawg